Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!