Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I’ve been lied to my entire life

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in