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@bugbucket

my dads complaining that i ate all his pills but I’M complaining that he’s a giant melting prism of pure energy thats turning into a dragon

@Sickayduh

Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins

@callmeEvian

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@vineyille

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

@wildethingy

Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

@ShittySuze

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.