luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.