Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Voodoo map

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Posting this on behalf of a friend

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Oddly specific

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*