Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”