Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing