Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

😂😭

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

A French press is when you hug naked

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*