Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

Sniffing the broccoli

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]