Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING

Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.

My birth announcement for our third baby

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong