Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.