Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
