Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”
Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
He MAILED it
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation