Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Can. I. Help. You.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.