@KentingtonC

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

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@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@thedad

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

@rolldiggity

I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”

@MondayPajamas

Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.

@sbellelauren

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation