Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”