Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

You Might Also Like


[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE



A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.


[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.


“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.


Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand


me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday


Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”


A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’


Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.