@mstern68

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

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@captainkalvis

[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE

@theB6Chronicles

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

@Scottzilla667

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

@BettyBowers

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

@matt_obrien

Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”

@Storminika

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

@amydillon

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.