Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.