Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.