Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.