Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Stop it! 😂

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust