Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Stick it to the man