Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.