Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.