Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
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I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party