Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.