Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

Is fructose made with real fruct?

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”