Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down