Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

My wedding will be open casket.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?