UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.