UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
When someone trying to leave me
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation