Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

dude killed a sea lion with his bike

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone