Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

You are not alone 💚

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Respect

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.