Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.