Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

He-man has a Masters degree

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore