*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
You Might Also Like
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
That’s easy for you to say
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You might just have to resign…
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.