Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.