*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
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Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.