Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Stop it! 😂

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.