Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

When you don’t understand how floors work

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?