Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?