I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
You Might Also Like
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My dad teaching me to drive
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.