Ugh
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#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.