Ugh
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Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
How to draw a duck
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
No, he would not have.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.