Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*