My daughter asked why she can’t eat tacos every day and honestly, I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from.
Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.
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Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away
Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams