Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

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My daughter asked why she can’t eat tacos every day and honestly, I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from.


[Parent-Teacher Conference]

Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away

Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!


You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.


Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair


My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.


What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…


can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’


“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?


I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams