Ugh but profoundly
You Might Also Like
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
iPhone X
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.