Ugh but profoundly
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
so this horse walks into a bar
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.