Ugh but profoundly
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
White Castle for the Win
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
adding to the discourse
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one