Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

Teamwork makes the dream work.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.