Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.