Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.