Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.