Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

just gave your address to some spiders

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

@ candidates for local office

Plant care tips

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

somebody come look at this

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.