Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

ME: So you’re into religion. Really??

DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.

ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”