Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Planet of the Apps.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.