ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.