Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*