ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
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NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do