Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me