ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same