Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young