Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

Worst perfume name ever.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?