Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.