ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
yall want some gasoline milk
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!