Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Bro what is this

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir