Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
You Might Also Like
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes