Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.