Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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Bread puns are on the rise!
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?