My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.