Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking