Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

ㅤ

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

boat question

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.