Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.
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I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
dark side of the loom
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.