Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.