My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Simple enough.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Happy birthday to all the women
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles