Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.


You wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.


What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.


Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.


Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.


Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.


date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.


Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.


[being murdered]

me: tell my gf i love her

murderer: *removes mask to reveal it’s my gf* awww, you love me

me: *dying breath* i…think..we…should…see…other.. people..


My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.