@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

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@mollymcnearney

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

@sweetmomissa

You wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.

@JustMeTurtle

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

@radtoria

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

@mishakey

Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.

@RobotThomas

Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.

@Jerrypleasure

date: omg are you wearing a wig?
me: yeah you got a problem with it?
date: it’s not supposed to go on your elbow.

@TheBoydP

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

@SwoleOctopus

[being murdered]

me: tell my gf i love her

murderer: *removes mask to reveal it’s my gf* awww, you love me

me: *dying breath* i…think..we…should…see…other.. people..

@3sunzzz

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.