if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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Midwest trash talk
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH