“Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night” -medieval millennials

You Might Also Like


I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.


One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.


Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.


[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”


[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.


Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”


I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything


*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles


If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.