@abrosenthal

“Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night” -medieval millennials

You Might Also Like

@Birdhumms

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

@TheWoodenslurpy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@Havish_AF

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

@Elizasoul80

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

@BorowitzReport

Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”

@TGIJeff

I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything

@thatUPSdude

*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles

@Eric_Bader

If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.