I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
“Ugh I sent so many drunk carrier pigeons last night” -medieval millennials
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”
I drink, therefore I am…. Drunk.
I react to the phrase “open bar” the way my dog reacts to everything
*at a casino*
Me: How much are these chips worth?
Dealer: Sir those are Pringles
If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn’t start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I’m going to be so pissed.