Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
You Might Also Like
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Are we there yet?…
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?