Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Grandmother clock.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?